Friday Diversion (Wednesday “Halloween Is Better With Axes” Edition): Axe Cop Halloween!

Here at Sweep-the-Leg we know that work time is precious. A time to put your head down and get be productive. Work harder, get ahead.

Well…then there’s Friday afternoon. We all need a diversion on Friday afternoons. So, here’s your Friday Diversion (and, as always, we can’t promise that these are all SFW, but we’ll try).

Today’s diversion…it’s Halloween, so what better way to celebrate than to post this “Ask Axe Cop” short. Remember, kids, Wolvye are immune to garlic, sunlight, and silver bullets. The only thing that can defeat them is poison candy.

FYI, this is based on the awesome “Ask Axe Cop” comic found here.

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PSA (Halloween Edition): Click-Clack the Rattlebag

A few years back, Neil Gaiman decided he would start a new Halloween tradition, All Hallow’s Read. Instead of giving away gobs of processed sugar, he (and those brave enough to follow him) would give away scary (but not too scary) books to kids. If you were more inclined to give things away to an older crowd; well you could give scary (and these much more so) books to teens (and adults too).

In the spirit of the later, Gaiman teamed up with Audible to release a new scary short story, “Click-Clack the Rattlebag.” It’s a free download from Audible; with every download counting as a donation to DonarsChoose.org. It’s a quick listen and it will set the mood perfectly for your haunts this evening.

Just make sure you pay attention to the dark when you listen.

Movie Quote Monday

This one should be a no brainer as we hit the last Monday in October.

I spent eight years trying to reach him, and then another seven trying to keep him locked up because I realized what was living behind that boy’s eyes was purely and simply evil.

You know the rules. But, since I don’t think anyone can quote this movie (but everyone will know what it is), instead, leave a comment regarding the first time you ever saw it.

The Threeway: Most Inappropriate “Sexy” Costumes (Anthony’s Take)

Ooops! Looks like The Threeway is a little late this week. To make it up to you, we’re going to give you nerds what you want (based on the often horrifying search phrases you use to find our site): sexy costumes.

But not just any sexy costumes, mind you! These are the most mind-bendingly inappropriate costumes that a person could shamefully drape themselves in. We’re talking things like Sexy Pebbles (the baby from Flintstones), Sassy Big Bird, and Sexy Strawberry Shortcake. (And I’m sorry ladies, but do you know what’s the exact opposite of sexy? Every off-the-shelf men’s costume ever. I tried, but they all just looked like oversized children’s costumes.)

Oh, and suffice to say, if you find any of these arousing, you are a horrible, horrible person and should probably go get counseling immediately.

3) Sassy Bumblebee – I admit, there were costumes that were much worse than this, but I chose this one mostly because of the model’s face. She doesn’t even know how to make this sexy! You can just hear the internal dialogue “Really? This is what gets you hot and bothered? REALLY? …fucking nerds.”

 

 

2) Sassy Bambi – Because you know what men find attractive? Underage forest animals who watched their mother get shot to death in front of them. Rowrrrrrr.

 

 

1) Naughty Nem-Oh – No. Just…no. Ladies, I’m going to give you some advice. You wear this at a party and some guy starts eyeing you, then invites you back to his aquarium? You kick him in the junk and run away. Immediately.

 

 

 

 

BONUS ROUND!

Just because there wasn’t quite enough nightmare fuel in this list (it is a Halloween list, after all), here’s Sexy Chucky; because…oh, Ill be fucked if I know.

Sweet dreams, sickos!

The Threeway: Best Halloween Candies (Anthony’s Take)

Ah, October. That time of the year when the air turns cooler and a crisp Fall breeze sweeps away the crushing humidity and heat of the summer…

Wait, I live in Florida; the oppressive heat and crushing humidity never leave. So how then can I tell that October is upon us? Easy – the bags upon bags of candy choking the aisles! I might not get any sort of relief from the weather, but being able to steal these candies from my kid’s Trick-or-Treat bags at the end of the month at least take out some of the sting.

3) Ghost Dots are, sadly, but a passing memory now – I haven’t seen them for two seasons. These are the same as regular Dots; but minus the color-coding indicating which flavor is which. Oddly, I’m not a huge fan of Dots; but color them translucent green so that I can pretend I’m a Ghostbuster with a proton pack and suddenly I’m eating them by the handful. Tootsie really needs to bring these back!

2) Reese’s various holiday shapes always make it to the top of my list. The peanut butter to chocolate ratio of the Halloween Pumpkin reaches that inequitable distribution where the chocolate is barely holding its own and the saltiness of the peanut butter counteracts the sweetness. They’ve started shrinking this season, though, threatening their standing.

1) But all is forgiven, because Halloween means that I can finally find an assorted bag of Hershey candies that has Take 5 bars! These are by far the perfect candy bar. Ever have Chubby Hubby ice cream? It’s that; but in candy form. A pretzel covered in peanut butter, caramel, peanuts and chocolate – it’s salty, sweet, gooey, and crunchy all at the same time. The only problem is that I’m the only one who recognizes their candy superiority and they’re mostly gone from the shelves…except for October when they sneak back in. And, really, what better way to celebrate Halloween than with zombie candy?

The Threeway: Best Horror Movies (Anthony’s Take)

Man, when we were talking this topic over, I was so very gung-ho on it. “Horror movies! Yeah! Let’s go write about that scary stuff with the guys and the blood and the monster thingy!”

Then I remembered that I’m a huge wimp that doesn’t watch all that many horror movies because they make me feel funny in my tummy and I have to sleep with the lights on and my special blanket for a month. I only watched them in my youth because I was promised boobs…what I didn’t count on was the high frequency with which said boobs would be featured in tandem with arterial spray.

I’ve got issues.

Don’t look up my nose

3) “The Blair Witch Project” – Yes, yes; I know. I know. “It’s not scary!” “It’s stupid!” “It’s barely a movie!” I recognize all of the issues of Blair Witch; it has far more detractors at this point than it does proponents. But there is one very key element that’s easy to forget now that the “found footage” film is a genre in and of itself. Blair Witch was the first. And for an audience that was unused to the shaky-cam footage and the sheer intimacy that the medium allows, that made all the difference. Watching it that first time, it was easy to laugh off the lacking cinematography, groan at the over-the-top acting. But then something happened that I wasn’t expecting, I started to believe the narrative (because why else would we be watching such poor footage?). Once that had locked in, each subsequent twist and escalation of the scenario felt that much more visceral and the division between their reality and mine lessened. To the point where, when I was walking back to my car through a darkened back lot, I found myself nearly sprinting. Blair Witch made me suspend my disbelief in a very fundamental way and, while I recognized the trick, I was unable to steel myself against it.

dun-dun-da-dun-dun-dun-daaaaa-dun-dun-da-dun-dun

2) “Halloween” gets a spot on this list for not just being one of the top horror franchises; but for creating a franchise based on a character that is practically devoid of all emotion. “Nightmare on Elm Street” has a wise-cracking demon. “Friday the 13th” has an unhinged killing machine. “Halloween” though…Michael Myers is practically pedantic in comparison. He is dogged in his goal and the killing that happens along the way doesn’t feel personal or even malicious; it’s more “they were in my way.” What cinches the entire franchise for me though is the music. Those three bars of plinky piano are enough to give me chills and make me start checking behind closet doors. I still remember the first time I watched “Halloween” at 3:00 AM, my friends passed out on the floor around me, and completely freaking out when the piano music started. Let me tell you, drunken college students don’t enjoy someone flipping on every light in the house at 3:00 AM.  Continue reading

PSA: Zombies and Bloggers and eBooks – Oh My!

Just in time for that most hallowed of eves, the eBook edition of the first novel in Mira Grant’s excellent Newsflesh trilogy, “Feed,” is on sale for only $1.99!

That’s just under $2 for one of the smartest takes on zombies and new media I’ve read in a very long time. Seriously, it’s as much of a pro-Blogger book as it is an anti-zombie one. The characters are charming (in their own way) and the first book sets the stage for one of the better “horror genre” trilogies out there.

Worth it? You bet your rotted tuckus it is.