Friday Diversion: Horrible Chrismas: The WWE Singers!

Here at Sweep-The-Leg we are more inclined to watch “Die Hard” on Christmas over “It’s a Wonderful Life.” We’ll howl at “Christmas Vacation” and never take a second glance at the “Miracle on 34th Street.” Thus, those sweet and sugary Christmas videos that go viral every December…we couldn’t care less.

Now, the truly awful ones (viral or not) – those we love. The ones crafted with love and care that you watch with abject horror and laugh all the way through (because you’re an evil person at heart)…now we’re talking!

Today’s Friday Diversion…Did you ever want to see pro wrestlers sing a Christmas song? Come on. Sure you do!

Wow…So happy it is subtitled. But with the bouncing ball? Are people really singing along to this? I mean, I’m as likely to shout out “I can eat enough red meat” as the next guy, but I don’t have Jazz Hands while doing it.

The real problem is…it’s catchy! I’m humming it right now. I can’t get it out of my head. Someone help! Hit me in the head with a steel chair. ARGH!!!

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Friday Diversion: Chrismas Hell Edition: Revolting Travolta

Here at Sweep-The-Leg we are more inclined to watch “Die Hard” on Christmas over “It’s a Wonderful Life.” We’ll howl at “Christmas Vacation” and never take a second glance at the “Miracle on 34th Street.” Thus, those sweet and sugary Christmas videos that go viral every December…we couldn’t care less.

Now, the truly awful ones (viral or not) – those we love. The ones crafted with love and care that you watch with abject horror and laugh all the way through (because you’re an evil person at heart)…now we’re talking!

Today’s Friday Diversion…I don’t even know how to react to this:

Oh, wait a sec, yes I do, with sarcasm! Who in the blue hell thought this was a good idea? I wanted those soldiers to shoot these two by the end. No such luck. Isn’t there a tenant of Scientology that prohibits acts of incredible disgrace? There should be. L. Ron would not be happy. Some thoughts:

– Why does their dancing as advanced as middle school dance?
– Why does ONJ drive at 5mph?
– How does Kelly not realize that John is gay?
– Why am I still commenting on this?

The Threeway: Top 3 Christmas Specials (Anthony’s Take)

3smallSo apparently I’m the pie-eyed optimist of the group; caroling and going on about good will towards men and holiday cheer? I’m the one who’s not the bitter bastard?

Frankly, I’m not comfortable with that position.

But I have to admit, even though I’m generally a sarcastic jerk, I love Christmas. It gives everyone an excuse to be a little less caustic, a little more considerate of others, and unapologetically cheerful in a time when unfettered happiness is viewed as a sign of mental deficiency.

It’s also a time when I can drink a quart of fermented egg juice, throw in a pint of rum, and blame it on the season. Christmas, people!

I don't like violence, Rudolph. I'm a businessman.

I don’t like violence, Rudolph. I’m a businessman.

#3: “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” is some fucked up shit. We have an animal with a horrific physical deformity, who is bullied and tormented by his peers, to the point where he exiles himself to a land of equally disturbed and disturbing individuals. Seriously – Hermey the wanna-be dentist elf? Yukon Cornelius who spends an disturbingly high amount of his screen time licking his pick axe? You know that the animators were smoking something potent to have cooked that up. Though the part of me that had watched “Godfather” 20 or 30 times by the time I was 15 appreciated the fact that my boy Hermey ripped out the fucking Abominable Snowman’s teeth without anesthetic to set him straight. Forget Rudolph and his glowing freak show nose, that thing’s probably radioactive; Hermey has a jar full of Snowman teeth to show how far he’ll go to save Christmas.

MrGrinch#2: “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” is just…it speaks to me. There’s a sarcasm and a meanness to it that gets a total 180 into schmaltzy treacle by the end; but I forgive it every year for taking me there. The thing is I get the Grinch. The Whos down in Whoville are a bunch of capitalistic, self-righteous jerks who probably staged the entire sing-a-long at the end of the show just to get their shit back. I want the Grinch to win because I’m the guy glaring at the “Reason for the Season” bumper sticker on the car in front of me and rolling his eyes whenever Burl Ives comes Holly Jollying along on the radio. I love Christmas; but I love my Christmas and I’m convinced that everyone else just has an agenda. So the Grinch grounds me a bit. My heart sure as Scrooge isn’t growing three sizes; but it reminds me of an important lesson: don’t fuck with rich people on Christmas. They’ll watch you fall off a mountain with their stuff and, instead of helping you, sing the whole damn time.

national-lampoons-christmas-vacation-thumb1#1 “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” is my number one Christmas treat every year because, Goddamn, growing up, this was my Christmas every year. Starting Thanksgiving night, and stretching to December 25, the entire month was a barely held together pastiche of stress, scheduling snafus, and household disasters (I was shocked by that shitty plastic tree on the hi-fi unit every. damn. year. until I was in college). Clark Griswold’s manic, practically homicidal, desire to give his family the perfect Christmas is instantly recognizable. And the movie expertly captures the collision of self-centered family dynamics in the world’s most tenuously connected Venn diagram, with this crappy Charlie Brown tree at the center (lotta sap!). I always loved it because it was so completely over the top, but I could still see the truth at the heart of it; the insanity that we subject ourselves to in the name of The Season. “Christmas Vacation” goes ahead and voices our darkest worries for us so that we can laugh along and say “At least we’re not THAT bad…yet.”

The Threeway: Top 3 Christmas Specials (Adam’s Take)

3smallHO HO HO! Merry (early) Christmas. To help get you in the Holiday mood, we’re doing our Threeway on the Top 3 Christmas Specials. In grand tradition, however, none of us are sure if that is the Best 3, the Worst 3 or something else entirely. Should be fun.

I’m going with “something else entirely.” These are my three favorite Christmas themed clips/specials. The power of Youtube is in my hands!

#3 – Mr. Bean – The Nativity. Mr. Bean is simply brilliant. The over childlike and impish behavior is a dazzlingly joy to watch. I thought I was funny putting Humphrey Bogart in my manger scene. Bean has a host of toys that makes this best Nativity you’ll ever see. It’s the best 3 minutes you’ll spend today (and, yes, even more than the three minutes spent on the “Pacific Rim” trailer):

#2 – South Park – The Spirit of Christmas. This narrowly beats out the “South Park” Mr. Hanky episode. Solely because this is thing that started it all. This “Christmas Card” tackles the age old question of who would win, Santa or Jesus. Yes, this is a tad sacrilegious, but it is still incredibly funny:

#1 – “Star Wars Holiday Special” – Not many people have seen this atrocity. And, that is a shame. Everyone should be tortured with this at least once. Before the prequels dove into how bad of a filmmaker George Lucas really was, the “Star Wars Holiday Special” gave us a glimpse. Aired only once, the story follows Chewie’s family on “Life Day” as they await Chewie to come home. 90% of the dialogue is in Wookie. The other 10% comes from Art Karney and Bea Arthur (I only wish I was making this up). And, it included special music numbers, like this: