The Threeway: Top Three Star Wars Characters that Least Deserve Stand-Alone Movies (The Other Adam’s Take)

3smallAfter last week’s celebration of love, finally another Threeway that I can stand behind.  We needed to do something that brought us out of the clutches of sweet, sticky lovin, and turn back to the dark hate that flows through our veins. Now I can finally use this hate to strike down the three most undeserving characters in a galaxy far, far away.

Hutt3.) The Hutts: While the back story for numerous Hutts are fairly interesting, there’s one simple reason that they should never be allowed to have their own stand-alone film. They’re nasty to look at. No matter how juicy the plot, there’s honestly no way that I could sit in a dark room for two hours looking at an intergalactic space-slug. Not to mention that, while the foam rubber version (which was horrendously grotesque) was an amazing piece of puppetry art; the CGI version (which you know they would use instead of the prior) looked god-awful.

Sorry space gangster, you’re just going to have sit this one out on your throne with your metal bikini-clad lady friend and crunchy frog treats. Continue reading

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The Threeway: Top Three Star Wars Characters that Least Deserve Stand-Alone Movies (Anthony’s Take)

3smallSo we got a bit sidetracked last week, what with all the sugar-fueled love (except for my brother who suckles black bile from the teat of the beast every morning); but now it’s time to get back to what we here at Sweep-the-Leg do best.

Crap on completely theoretical concepts.

That right – it’s time to revisit our “Most Deserving Star Wars Stand-Alone” concept and take a walk on the Dark Side. Here are the characters that we hope the mouse shoves into a Sarlacc Pit to digest for a thousand years.

Come here often, do you?

Come here often, do you?

3) Yoda – You know what was awesome about Yoda in the original trilogy? He was this wizened hermit who dispensed ancient wisdom while wielding a power that was completely disproportionate to his appearance. Judge him by his size, we did, and the crotchety green bastard proved us so very wrong. Now, you know what was awesome about Yoda in the prequels? Not a fucking thing. He went from wizened hermit to green Force pinball, who’s grammatically challenged speech seems like more of a pompous affectation (I swear Windu rolls his eyes whenever Yoda starts talking. You can just hear the mental dialogue: “This shit again? Goddamnit, Yoda, you speak Common better than half the Senate. Your name isn’t even ‘Yoda!’ It’s Bob!”). Need to see more of him, we do not. And the first time he makes googly-eyes at some other shrively green whatever he is, I will eviscerate myself with a lightsaber. Continue reading

The Threeway: Top Three Sci-Fi/Fantasy Couples (The Other Adam’s a.k.a. the Valentine’s Day Grinch’s take)

3smallI don’t care for Valentine’s Day, and fortunately I married a woman that cares for it even less than I do. So, while my fellow geeks were eating chocolate covered strawberries while wearing their gold bikinis (looking at you Bro), I was sitting in a dark room brooding over this subject (Ed note: But apparently not enough to copyedit – HEYO).

With a minimum amount of respect, I waited until it was officially not Valentine’s Day to post my dark list of the top 3 worst Sci-Fi/Fantasy couples/relationships. So for your entertainment, I submit a list of lost love and disappointment.

willow and oz#3) WIllow and Oz: As most have stated here, if you’re looking for good relationships, look no further than the Whedonverse. This can also be said for bad ones as well, but the one that always stuck out to me was Willow and Oz. One’s a werewolf and the other is an aspiring witch. Their short love seems to be happy enough; but then Oz ends up cheating on Willow after he boinks another werewolf. To rub salt into the open wound in Willow’s heart, he uses the excuse that he’s the wolf all the time inside (No, that is not a good excuse as to why you crushed the happy, pixie heart of your girlfriend.). He promptly leaves her and Sunnydale to go to Tibet to learn how to control his urges. This, however, is not the reason that this break-up hits number three on my list. When Oz leaves, Willow moves on to Tara, and thus starts the longest rebound relationship that I’ve seen in the Whedonverse. The simple fact is that there’s barely any chemistry between the two characters; and it ends up adding a rather nasty flat spot to, what I feel, is one of the stronger characters in the series. Granted, Whedon eventually kills Tara off, sparking the rage of Willow; but by that time their relationship had grown more stale then a month-old Scooby snack. Continue reading

The Threeway: Top 3 Sci-Fi/Fantasy Couples (Janie’s Take)

Valentine’s Day. I’m not a huge fan of flowers or chocolate. My valentine got me a box of 3small9mm hollow-point ammunition for this holiday o’ love. So nobody should be very surprised that my choices for Top Sci-Fi/Fantasy couples are a little nontraditional.

#3: Flint and Lady Jaye in GI Joe I don’t know what is going to happen in the upcoming GI JOE: Retaliation movie between Flint and Lady Jaye.  I’m not thrilled about the actors playing either of these characters- especially Flint (D.J. Controna ain’t no Jai Courtney, plus has a name that sounds like dancing & drinking – which, Flint&LadyJayereally is not a problem for me, but still…)  Anyway, in the cartoon, they were obviously more than friends, but also always had each other’s backs. Plus Lady Jaye kicked ass.  Always.  Let’s hope for the same in the movie.

#2: Master Chief and Cortana in Halo 4.  I am not a true gamer by any sense of the imagination. But when my 11-year-old son begged me to get him Halo 4 (“The best game EVAR, Mom!!!”) a few months ago, I agreed – with the stipulation that I watch him play for a while to make sure it was okay.  Cut to 2 weeks later:  I am spending every spare hour playing (“Die you alien motherfu— um, you scum!!!”) the game with my son – addicted, akin to some sort of assault rifle-toting crack whore. Continue reading

The Threeway: Top 3 Sci-Fi/Fantasy Couples (Anthony’s Take)

3smallWe here at The Threeway understand that the community at large has varying opinions on February 14. Some see it as a schmaltzy Hallmark-manufactured holiday to be reviled, others see it as an opportunity to express their love and (hopefully) not be pepper-sprayed, still others see it as the day before Discount-Candyageddon (that fateful day when wallets and waistlines begin a devious inverse relationship).

But lets put all that aside for now and take a look at what really matters this Valentine’s Day: our favorite sci-fi/fantasy couples.

Zoe&Wash3. Zoe & Wash, “Firefly” – Alright, let’s get this out of the way, if you’re looking for gut-wrenching, kick-you-in-the-teeth relationship dynamics, you need go no farther than Joss Whedon. Honestly I could easily make this list all Whedon couples and be completely satisfied. But I’ll limit myself to one (maybe two). Zoe and Wash sport a wonderful mix of swapped gender roles (Joss loves to toy with those). But where in many hands a “hard woman, sensitive man” dynamic comes off as preachy and sensationalistic, Whedon gives us characters that are deeply comfortable with each other and with their relationship. Indeed, watching them mess with people’s heads when they try to pick at the couple is one of the things that made “Firefly” work so well.  Continue reading

The Threeway: Top Three Star Wars Characters that Most Deserve Stand-Alone Movies (Adam’s Take)

3smallWe here at the Sweep The Leg were looking for a way to discuss the new Star Wars stand alone movies (one being penned by Lawrence Kasdan). Rumor is a Yoda movie. Meh. Another is that Lucas is pitching a Jabba one. Double Meh (triple in that I want Lucas as far away as possible). Instead of rehashing old news and rumors we thought we’d go a step further. Let’s talk the three characters most deserving of a Stand Alone film (and, I’m going with the theory that Han, Luke, and Leia are “saga only” characters. So, no “Space Solo” or something, although, if I wanted a stand alone Solo film I think Anthony has the best take on it here.):

rogues1) Wedge Antilles – a completely side character who is overshadowed in the Trilogy. But he completely shines in the books. Further adventures of Wedge (and Rogue Squadron) would rock. I loved Stackpole’s (and Allston’s) X-Wing book series (a new one came out last year…mental reminder: need to pick that up) and could make a great stand alone movie. It doesn’t need to follow the books – just the idea of following Wedge and the Rogues. You have a character with some name value (among the core fanbase) and a fleet (in Rogue Squadron) that can have cinematic legs (and get Disney merchandise execs drooling over toy tie-ins). Added bonus, depending on how far in the future Episodes VII, VIII, and IX are, you can seed this movie with back-story for those saga films.

2) Lando – here’s a character with a shadowy back story. We know he’s a gambler and once owned the Falcon but that’s about it (and, yes, I know there is more about him in the books – I just don’t care.) He somehow gets control of a mining community. That’s an interesting transition. I’m intrigued how that happens. The only thing is that I’m sick of prequels (everywhere) so…whereas I like this, I can easily live without it. Although, if we do lando_smoothanother prequel-based movie, how about “Jango Unchained” with an early Jango Fett story? Where he learns to become a Bounty Hunter after being freed from a chain gang (probably by a nice Hutt)? Added bonus if Mace Windu is in it.

3) Someone new. What a cop out! I don’t even name anyone! Go me! Here’s the thing: the sequel trilogy will take place at some point in the future. There will be (ostensibly) new characters. More importantly, there will be new characters introduced in Episode VIII and IX that weren’t in any previous movie (like VII). Why not a full origin or a character (or world, or story line) that is pivotal in the sequel trilogy? For instance, in the original trilogy, there could have been a movie before “Empire” that introduces us to Lando. Or, a movie before “Jedi” that follows Lando/Chewie searching for Han. Things that flesh out the next trilogy, without being a prequel later.

What do you think? Who’s most deserving of a film? Next week we’ll see who is least deserving (and I’ll try and not serious pitch Jar Jar in a remake of “Public Enemy”).

The Threeway: Top Three Star Wars Characters that Most Deserve Stand-Alone Movies (Anthony’s Take)

3smallWith the news this week that Disney is not only giving us a new sequel trilogy but stand-alone character movies in-between…well…I know that there are a lot of Star Wars fans out there who have decided that it would probably be better to just buy new pants than try to salvage the ones they’ve been wearing.

So the news is out; but with none of the delicious details that we geeks crave (well there wasn’t as of the writing of this article…there is now; but that’s not important). So what’s a respectable nerd to do? Why make shit up, of course! I’ve come up with a few good ideas and plenty of bad ideas. Here are some of my favorites for the one-off treatment (don’t worry, you’ll get to see the awful, awful ideas next week).

Cade_Skywalker3. “Cade Skywalker: Legacy of the Jedi” – First stop on this magic mystery tour is from the “Star Wars: Legacy” comics. No! Wait! Come back! It’ll be worth it, I promise!

Still here? Good. Y’see, “Legacy” was one of the better series to come out of Dark Horse Comics’ treatment of the Star Wars universe and Cade Skywalker was one of their better protagonists. Last of the Skywalker line, he’s a drug-addicted smuggler/pirate who struggles to bury rather than develop his Force affinity. He’s swayed by both the Dark and Light side of the Force and you honestly don’t know which he’ll choose as the series progresses. He’s a bit of Han Solo, a very little bit of Luke, and still very much his own character.

DarthDAYUMPlus, Legacy is set hundreds of years of years after “Jedi” so, while it still manages to feel like part of the same universe (jack-booted Imperial officers in black pleather? Check), it has its own distinct personality (Sith masters clad in parasitic bio-armor? That’s new…). It might share a bit too much with the prequels for my liking (a heavily-tattooed red-skinned Sith? SHOCKING.); but I’ve made my peace with the fact that they’re part of canon now. Besides, if they can be utilized to give us something like Darth Talon (that’s her in the Sith-kini over there), well I can’t really complain, can I? Continue reading

The Threeway: Top 3 Christmas Specials (Anthony’s Take)

3smallSo apparently I’m the pie-eyed optimist of the group; caroling and going on about good will towards men and holiday cheer? I’m the one who’s not the bitter bastard?

Frankly, I’m not comfortable with that position.

But I have to admit, even though I’m generally a sarcastic jerk, I love Christmas. It gives everyone an excuse to be a little less caustic, a little more considerate of others, and unapologetically cheerful in a time when unfettered happiness is viewed as a sign of mental deficiency.

It’s also a time when I can drink a quart of fermented egg juice, throw in a pint of rum, and blame it on the season. Christmas, people!

I don't like violence, Rudolph. I'm a businessman.

I don’t like violence, Rudolph. I’m a businessman.

#3: “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” is some fucked up shit. We have an animal with a horrific physical deformity, who is bullied and tormented by his peers, to the point where he exiles himself to a land of equally disturbed and disturbing individuals. Seriously – Hermey the wanna-be dentist elf? Yukon Cornelius who spends an disturbingly high amount of his screen time licking his pick axe? You know that the animators were smoking something potent to have cooked that up. Though the part of me that had watched “Godfather” 20 or 30 times by the time I was 15 appreciated the fact that my boy Hermey ripped out the fucking Abominable Snowman’s teeth without anesthetic to set him straight. Forget Rudolph and his glowing freak show nose, that thing’s probably radioactive; Hermey has a jar full of Snowman teeth to show how far he’ll go to save Christmas.

MrGrinch#2: “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” is just…it speaks to me. There’s a sarcasm and a meanness to it that gets a total 180 into schmaltzy treacle by the end; but I forgive it every year for taking me there. The thing is I get the Grinch. The Whos down in Whoville are a bunch of capitalistic, self-righteous jerks who probably staged the entire sing-a-long at the end of the show just to get their shit back. I want the Grinch to win because I’m the guy glaring at the “Reason for the Season” bumper sticker on the car in front of me and rolling his eyes whenever Burl Ives comes Holly Jollying along on the radio. I love Christmas; but I love my Christmas and I’m convinced that everyone else just has an agenda. So the Grinch grounds me a bit. My heart sure as Scrooge isn’t growing three sizes; but it reminds me of an important lesson: don’t fuck with rich people on Christmas. They’ll watch you fall off a mountain with their stuff and, instead of helping you, sing the whole damn time.

national-lampoons-christmas-vacation-thumb1#1 “National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation” is my number one Christmas treat every year because, Goddamn, growing up, this was my Christmas every year. Starting Thanksgiving night, and stretching to December 25, the entire month was a barely held together pastiche of stress, scheduling snafus, and household disasters (I was shocked by that shitty plastic tree on the hi-fi unit every. damn. year. until I was in college). Clark Griswold’s manic, practically homicidal, desire to give his family the perfect Christmas is instantly recognizable. And the movie expertly captures the collision of self-centered family dynamics in the world’s most tenuously connected Venn diagram, with this crappy Charlie Brown tree at the center (lotta sap!). I always loved it because it was so completely over the top, but I could still see the truth at the heart of it; the insanity that we subject ourselves to in the name of The Season. “Christmas Vacation” goes ahead and voices our darkest worries for us so that we can laugh along and say “At least we’re not THAT bad…yet.”

The Threeway: Top 3 ThinkGeek T-Shirts (Janie’s Take)

If I’m not mistaken, this week’s Threeway came about since the guys figured it would 3smallmake my “loins hum like a tuning fork.”  And oh, they weren’t wrong.

ThinkGeek = wondrous

ThinkGeek + apparel = loin-humming fantasticalness

A t-shirt (Stay Calm and STFU) made my Top 3 last week. But I had no problem finding three more for this week, I just let my humming loins guide me.

geek_inside_maternity#3: As the token gal in our little group, I feel like I need to represent the women and the wee-ones. So this. I totally would’ve worn this back in my baby-making days. (Of course, if you see me in it now, it’s referring to a geeky alien). Continue reading

The Threeway: Top 3 ThinkGeek T-Shirts (Adam’s Take)

Way back last month (last week, as it were) we did our Threeway on ThinkGreek products. We had a blast but thought that we need to dive deeper. The ThinkGeek products are great. But we barely scratched the t-shirts. The t-shirts are where it’s at. So we thought we’d take another go at it this week, focusing on the shirts.

electronic_rock_guitar#3 – Electric Guitar. I love this entire line from the TG crew. The idea of shirts with electronic interactivity on them delights me to no end. The strumming guitar shirt is my favorite of the bunch (with the drum kit a close second). To bad these didn’t exist when I was growing up. I would have added them to my arsenal of weapons used to annoy my sisters. (Ed note: And to further repel potential mates) Continue reading