Midnight Movie Review – G.I. Joe: Retaliation

I write this with a heavy heart: the new G.I. JOE movie sucks.GIJoe2

I went to see the midnight showing (that was actually at 9pm. Remember when you used to have to wait until midnight for a midnight showing of a movie on opening weekend?).

I am pretty much biting my tongue completely off not to give away the hugest of all spoilers in G.I. Joe: Retaliation. Although to be honest, I wish someone would’ve just told me. I think I could’ve relaxed and enjoyed the movie a bit more.  But probably not much more.

So what’s wrong with the movie exactly? Take your pick: it’s disjointGIJoeTheRocked, bland, and tension-less – just kind of big and dumb.  Will my 9- and 10-year-old sons like it? Oh heck yeah. After all, there are lots of fight scenes and raining ninjas and blowing shit up. (I give it a very soft PG-13, for any parents who might be wondering – it really could’ve almost gone PG)

GIJoeLadyJaye

Palicki’s Lady Jaye

But I was hoping for more…something.  More anything but absurd action. After all, these characters are pretty holy to me – I grew up on G.I. Joe. In South Florida, running around as the only girl in a neighborhood of boys, we played G.I. Joe all the time. I was Lady Jaye.  I know these characters and love them, but the film? Not so much.

There were some good things about the movie. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson brought his normal charming blend of charisma and swagger as Roadblock. Bruce Willis is gleeful as the original General Joe.  Channing Tatum and D.J. Cotrona are both hot (although Cotrona’s Flint left me pretty cold). Adrianne Palicki played my namesake Lady Jaye with as much flair as could be mustered for a pretty one-dimensional role.GIJoeSnakeEyes

And Snake Eyes? Well, he’s still the most bad-ass mother fucker on the planet, isn’t he? And without ever saying a word. Ray Parks communicates all he needs to by leaving a string of dead and unconscious bodies in his wake.

GIJoeRZA

Would’ve been better off using this doll

The bad stuff I’ve pretty much already pointed out. But I would be neglect in my duty if I didn’t mention the mind-numbingly awful performance of RZA from Wu-Tang. He makes an appearance as the “Blind Master” about half way through the film and single-handedly kills all the momentum in the movie. Seriously. Screeching halt.

Not that it had a great deal of true momentum to begin with, but whatever it had was gone by the time RZA finished with his scene.

True Joe fans will be disappointed by this film. They can’t help but be. Non-Joe fans may not care as much. As a silly action movie, G.I. Joe: Retaliation is not really too bad. But not really too good either.

Now you know.  And knowing is…well, you know.

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8 thoughts on “Midnight Movie Review – G.I. Joe: Retaliation

  1. Damn. Midnight movies here are still midnight. Odd.

    Is it better than Joe 1? Isn’t that the real question? As that was also mundane.

    Guess that year they took to tweak it didn’t help?

      • I will give you that Cobra Commander’s mask was pretty good and much more true to the TV show. Same with Snake Eyes’ mask — no more pouty lips, thank God.

    • It’s hard to say whether it’s actually better/worse than Joe 1.

      1) Remember how they tried to introduce 90% of the Joe-verse characters in Joe 1? Great for those of us who were familiar. Overwhelming and confusing for everybody else. They wanted to make sure they didn’t make that mistake in this one, and imo, went too far the other way. They cut most of the GI Joe-ness out of the film.
      2) I think they plotted around their special effects/action scenes rather than plotting a good story then adding the effects. Made the whole movie disjointed.

  2. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I had such high hopes for this movie…the trailers were edited so well, they made it seem like they’d gotten it.

    I might still have to go and see it if only to watch Cobra Commander galavanting about in his chrome helmet. That’s all I wanted from the first movie (and I was DENIED!).

    • The raining ninjas was by far the best scene in the film. So you kinda spoiled it for yourself with your extended clip.

      There was nothing about this movie that was really GI Joe, except Cobra as the bad guys. They make a HUGE change in the Joe-verse early on in the movie (the afore-mentioned spoiler). Flint should’ve been the main character, over Roadblock, but instead was a pansy (Cotrona couldn’t have carried the movie, though. I don’t know why they cast him).

      You should see it. I’d be interested in your opinion. Maybe I’m being too harsh.

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