The Threeway: Top Three Star Wars Characters that Least Deserve Stand-Alone Movies (Anthony’s Take)

3smallSo we got a bit sidetracked last week, what with all the sugar-fueled love (except for my brother who suckles black bile from the teat of the beast every morning); but now it’s time to get back to what we here at Sweep-the-Leg do best.

Crap on completely theoretical concepts.

That right – it’s time to revisit our “Most Deserving Star Wars Stand-Alone” concept and take a walk on the Dark Side. Here are the characters that we hope the mouse shoves into a Sarlacc Pit to digest for a thousand years.

Come here often, do you?

Come here often, do you?

3) Yoda – You know what was awesome about Yoda in the original trilogy? He was this wizened hermit who dispensed ancient wisdom while wielding a power that was completely disproportionate to his appearance. Judge him by his size, we did, and the crotchety green bastard proved us so very wrong. Now, you know what was awesome about Yoda in the prequels? Not a fucking thing. He went from wizened hermit to green Force pinball, who’s grammatically challenged speech seems like more of a pompous affectation (I swear Windu rolls his eyes whenever Yoda starts talking. You can just hear the mental dialogue: “This shit again? Goddamnit, Yoda, you speak Common better than half the Senate. Your name isn’t even ‘Yoda!’ It’s Bob!”). Need to see more of him, we do not. And the first time he makes googly-eyes at some other shrively green whatever he is, I will eviscerate myself with a lightsaber.

I'm not even supposed to be at work today

I’m not even supposed to be at work today

2) TK-421 – Because you know that someone, somewhere is saying to themselves “Hey! What about the Stormtroopers? They’re the unsung heroes of the Empire! Why don’t we focus on them?” The movie would follow the rise and fall of the only named Stormtrooper in the original trilogy. Maybe he’s one of the last clones. Maybe he’s a new recruit who’s home has been destroyed by Rebels. It doesn’t matter, he’ll be saddled with an overwrought and manipulatively emotional backstory. We’ll see him as he fails again and again at target practice. As he excitedly tells his pet womp rat about his assignment to the Empire’s newest battle station (and then queue the tearful scene as he tells Wompy that there are no pets allowed on the Death Star and has to stay behind). We’ll see glimpses of Vader as he swooshes by to interrogate and threaten. Maybe he’ll even be standing by as they blow up Alderaan (at which point our hero will start to question why he’s with the Empire at all, this isn’t what his fellow clones/dead wife/Wompy wanted for him). He will struggle with his place in the universe as he takes his post, dreaming of escaping in the captured ship, deciding to surrender to the first Rebel he sees, when Han shoots him in the face. Fade out on the infamous line…

Somehow, this is canon. Really.

Somehow, this is canon. Really.

1) Jar-Jar Binks – Yes, yes. I know it’s the obvious choice. But it needs to be said. There is no other character in the Star Wars universe that makes me seethe with rage. There is no other character that makes me want to buy a ticket to California, expressly for the purpose of kicking Lucas in his Force Globes. There is no other character that makes me want to refute all things nerdy and go live in a mountain-top monastery, hand-copying religious texts till my eyes are dimmed to the point where the light of such a monstrosity would never reach them again. I don’t want to see him in background shots. I don’t even want to see him abused and downtrodden. Acknowledging him in any way in the movies only extends his life. We must end it. Now.

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3 thoughts on “The Threeway: Top Three Star Wars Characters that Least Deserve Stand-Alone Movies (Anthony’s Take)

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