The Threeway: Top Three Star Wars Characters that Least Deserve Stand-Alone Movies (The Other Adam’s Take)

3smallAfter last week’s celebration of love, finally another Threeway that I can stand behind.  We needed to do something that brought us out of the clutches of sweet, sticky lovin, and turn back to the dark hate that flows through our veins. Now I can finally use this hate to strike down the three most undeserving characters in a galaxy far, far away.

Hutt3.) The Hutts: While the back story for numerous Hutts are fairly interesting, there’s one simple reason that they should never be allowed to have their own stand-alone film. They’re nasty to look at. No matter how juicy the plot, there’s honestly no way that I could sit in a dark room for two hours looking at an intergalactic space-slug. Not to mention that, while the foam rubber version (which was horrendously grotesque) was an amazing piece of puppetry art; the CGI version (which you know they would use instead of the prior) looked god-awful.

Sorry space gangster, you’re just going to have sit this one out on your throne with your metal bikini-clad lady friend and crunchy frog treats.

Droids2.) Droids: You know it’s already happened. In some dark boardroom somewhere, somebody has said, “Why don’t we do a movie just about C-3PO and R2-D2?” If we’re lucky, this man was given a parting gift and pushed out of a blimp hovering over the Gulf of Mexico.

In short, there’s no good that can come from the making of a movie about the two lamest robots in the entire universe; and for that matter any other robot from Star Wars. I can already picture long sections of movie with annoying bleeps and bloops. Not to mention the robot love interest of R2, (you know they would do it) that would be followed by even louder bleeping, clanging, and a graphic showing of special tools.

As for C-3P0, he would have to be locked in an airlock opened to the vacuum of space (where no-one can hear you bitch) for half the movie, for this thing to get off the ground.

So while droids do certainly help shape all of the movies. They need to stay in the background like the good little droids they are.

midi-chlorians1.) Midi-Chlorians: Thanks to Lucas, we now know what the Force is; forever destroying the mystery of it. Instead of some mystical force that resides in all of us, we were given the explanation that it was the Midi-Chlorians that decided to bring us Jesus Anakin Skywalker. I can feel the dark wheels turning on a movie that would focus solely on the origin of these tiny particles (probably in a Fraggle Rock-like setting).

We can only hope that this horror will never surface, and that we can just get back to Obi’s explanation and leave it at that.

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5 thoughts on “The Threeway: Top Three Star Wars Characters that Least Deserve Stand-Alone Movies (The Other Adam’s Take)

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