I don’t care for Valentine’s Day, and fortunately I married a woman that cares for it even less than I do. So, while my fellow geeks were eating chocolate covered strawberries while wearing their gold bikinis (looking at you Bro), I was sitting in a dark room brooding over this subject (Ed note: But apparently not enough to copyedit – HEYO).
With a minimum amount of respect, I waited until it was officially not Valentine’s Day to post my dark list of the top 3 worst Sci-Fi/Fantasy couples/relationships. So for your entertainment, I submit a list of lost love and disappointment.
#3) WIllow and Oz: As most have stated here, if you’re looking for good relationships, look no further than the Whedonverse. This can also be said for bad ones as well, but the one that always stuck out to me was Willow and Oz. One’s a werewolf and the other is an aspiring witch. Their short love seems to be happy enough; but then Oz ends up cheating on Willow after he boinks another werewolf. To rub salt into the open wound in Willow’s heart, he uses the excuse that he’s the wolf all the time inside (No, that is not a good excuse as to why you crushed the happy, pixie heart of your girlfriend.). He promptly leaves her and Sunnydale to go to Tibet to learn how to control his urges. This, however, is not the reason that this break-up hits number three on my list. When Oz leaves, Willow moves on to Tara, and thus starts the longest rebound relationship that I’ve seen in the Whedonverse. The simple fact is that there’s barely any chemistry between the two characters; and it ends up adding a rather nasty flat spot to, what I feel, is one of the stronger characters in the series. Granted, Whedon eventually kills Tara off, sparking the rage of Willow; but by that time their relationship had grown more stale then a month-old Scooby snack.
#2) Ellen Ripley and Everything She Ever Touched: If you want a person that, at all costs, you should just avoiding even saying “Hello” to, Ellen Ripley is your woman. Through four movies she develops five significant relationships; and all but one dies in a horrific manner.
1.) Jonesy the Cat (Alien & Aliens): The most successful relationship that Ripley ever has can’t even talk back to her. After going through unimaginable hell together, spending 50 years sharing the same airlock, they happily part ways. One will go back to a small planetoid to poke aliens with short stick, the other will spend the rest of its life licking its taint on a space station.
2.) Cpl. Dwayne Hicks (Aliens and Aliens 3): Over the course of these movies, Hicks and Ripley slowly develop feelings for each other. There’s even a deleted scene of them revealing their fondness for each other by sharing their first names. She repays his love by getting him sprayed with acidic alien blood, crippling him horrifically, and then shoving him into stasis where he will eventually die.
3.) Rebecca “Newt” Jorden (Aliens and Aliens 3): After fending off alien hordes for months, Newt is discovered by Ripley. Ripley finds the daughter she never had, and then puts her in stasis as well where she dies unceremoniously in the next movie.
4.) Johnathan Clemens (Aliens 3): Ends up falling for Ripley only to have his affection paid back by being killed by a xenomorph.
5.) Ripley’s Xenobaby (Alien Resurrection): Remember, Mommy loves you just enough to distract you, spray her acidic blood on an airlock viewport, and then watch as you get sucked through that sphincter sized hole into the vacuum of space.
#1) Anakin Skywalker and Padme Amidala: Who else could it be? I mean just look at this crappy glam shot of them; I stir up more emotion sitting on the can after chili night. We had to view this flat, wooden, asexual couple through three awwwwful movies. Awkwardly beginning with a 9-year-old Anakin and a 14-year-old Padme that just felt creepy and wrong. We get to see that relationship grow into “love” so strong that Padme is willing to forgive Anakin for committing genocide because he was angry (Ed note: And hates sand.). When he finally chokes her at the end of the third movie (which is how we should all show our love), we almost believe that they may have cared for each other; but by then there’s nobody left to give a crap. Even Obi just seems to want to just get on with the fight and forget they were even a thing. When she dies later from
boredom a broken heart, it leads to the final insult to injury from this completely unbelievable union; we get to witness the worlds biggest, darkest, child killing(est), Sith the universe has ever known throw the universes’ lamest hissy fit because he realizes that he may have killed his wife. Darth Vader killed an entire building full of children; but no, this is what he feels conflicted about.